You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
