so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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