I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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