I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
