i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
