god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
