Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
