we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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