her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
