So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
