You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
