No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
