There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
