I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
