sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
