This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just want to make out with him forever
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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