ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
