Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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