made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just had sex on a roof
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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