So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
