i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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