Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
