I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
