look no pants
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
