Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
