I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
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