I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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