i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
