you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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