I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
