Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
