so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
