Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
