She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
