Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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