I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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