I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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