Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
