have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
