I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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