My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
a search helicopter?!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
