Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
