I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
