Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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