Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
