We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
