Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
