Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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