Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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