Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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