the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
