I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
